What is your current life, and how can you help yourself?
Hi! I'm so happy you're here. Welcome to Chai Beauty, where I get to share my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations, my visions for the future, and guess what? You get to be along for this journey because we are in this together.
So, I'm going to be honest, I don't know what I'm going to get from this new season. Um, this new season is called Boundaries. I've purchased the book and then I've purchased the handbook because I wanted more thought-provoking questions, but some things I'm super excited about and I come up with these questions and some things...
It takes time. So, when I did boundaries, the first chapter is a day, what is it called again? Sorry, y'all. I'm flipping through the book. cause it is, what are boundaries is the part like, so it's broken up in parts. So, you have several parts. So, the first part is what is a boundary? The second. Then the second part is the chapter A Day and a boundary, A Boundaries.
And then you have the chapter book that goes with it. And the high level is, we're reading about a character, and she goes through her life and from 6am to the next day. And the questions basically are getting you to look at someone else's life. And see, like, how would you change this? What would you say to this person?
Like, really getting you to truly think and process, like, how this person has said certain things.such as like their mom coming over and their mom telling them like they're lonely and they're not trying to like the mom saying like I'm not intruding or anything and then the child says no of course you're not even though she has other responsibilities towards her family she still allows her mom toum come into her life and disrupt the things that she has to do and she justifies it by saying like My mom is lonely.
Um, I need to save her and what does saving her look like? Um, and, but the story goes on to say that when her mom left, she still talked about her loneliness. So that child did not save her mom from the loneliness. If her mom was still talking about it when she left. And so that was a lack of boundaries.
And how would we have given that advice to that character and said, hey, you still have other priorities.So, you should tell your mom you have other priorities, right? I think the question we have to ask ourselves is how do we justify lack of boundaries and letting somebody flourish but yet cause us chaos?
Getting us ready for that character, it asks us in the handbook several questions, but I decided the one I wanted to talk about is the questions list in the introduction and below reflects some of the confusion Christians may have about boundaries. So, the questions are, can I set limits and still be a loving person?
What are legit boundaries? What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer some with my love, time, energy, or money? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? How do boundaries relate to mutual submission in marriage? Aren't boundaries selfish? Is it difficult for me to hear no from other people?
Do I tend to control other people when I get, when I don't get what I want? And so, when it came to those questions, they really, um, had me thinking because can I set boundaries and still be a loving person? Absolutely. I think yes you can. It's just harder to do and I think it's easier to set boundaries with strangers and friends than it is with your family.
Um, so that's what I think about that question. What are legit boundaries? Um, it depends on the situation, I can't, I'm not everyone and everything, but depending on how people respond to what I'm saying, and how, what I'm saying, and then if they respond in a way that isn't appropriate or just for me, I then have to come in and say it.
Thank you. Hey, the reason, the way you did this made me feel this and so it caused me to now say this to you in my processing. Um, I do think some people get hurt and upset but that isn't your responsibility if you know, like, you're not being malicious and trying to manipulate me. Um, I do think setting boundaries are very frightful and sometimes you feel guilty, especially with family members, because this is the way you've operated for a very long time.
So, like when you start setting boundaries or start learning about yourself, um, people got to get accustomed to the new you. And so that's when you see a lot of relationships change, you get new friends, like a whole bunch of things happen. Um, and I've been in transition for a couple of years. So, um, that transition of setting new boundaries, because I'm learning who I am, I'm learning what I need, not what I want, and needing requires a lot more from you.
I don't think boundaries are selfish, if you're coming into it with that intent, that good intent. Um, and I do, for me, it is difficult to hear no. I take not as rejection, and I've, I'm currently in still. I'm in progress with saying like, just because somebody says no does not mean they're not loving you, it does not mean that they don't care about you, it doesn't even mean that, um, that they're selfish and they're mean and they're out to get you, it just means they don't hold the capacity to help you in this time, and just like sometimes you don't hold the capacity for others, it is okay to say like, I know you need this from me, but I can't help you, but I can, I can give you another resources, I can give you another friend, um, it's just, like, today is not a good day.
And when you truly respect somebody and you want to support them, I, I think you both can come to an agreement to say, okay, I understand that today is not a good day, but somewhere later in the week will be good. Or, like, you may not want to hear this at all because, like, this person has complained over and over and it's just not good for your mental health.
Cause there, it's like, they're doing insanity, right? They're trying to do the same thing, get different results, and you're like, it's just not working in my, and I want to put my energy somewhere else. Um, do I tend to want control other people when I don't get what I want? Absolutely. I'm sorry. I, I am completely honest.
Yes, I do try to get control. Um, I think that's where my independence comes from, where I'm like, oh, if you're not goanna do what I want, how I want it, when I want it, then.I'm going to do my own thing. Like, I'm going to figure it out. I'm going to rely on myself more. Because again, it goes with that fear of rejection.
That I'm like, I don't want to be rejected. So, if I count on myself, I'm not going to reject myself. I love myself. So, I'm going to work hard for myself. And so, with those questions, so the other Handbook then leads us to say, with these questions, have you, what have you wondered about? What questions do you, um, especially want answered?
Um, I want all of them answered. I think that's why this book is being picked up by so many readers. I think it's why it's important. Um, and then it just says, as you process through this study and work towards the goals you have set for yourself, remember this book is aimed to help you.See the deep uh, deeply the deeply biblical nature of boundaries.
Um, but going back to the character in the book, she has she has many dilemmas. Like, she feels isolated, she feels hopeless, she feels confused, she has guilt over what she does. But overall, she feels like her life is not hers and it's out of control. And I think... At some point, we all feel like that, and when people come to our problems, we're like, we can help them.
But, um, as we go, I want to encourage you and ask you, have you really looked in the mirror with yourself and figure out what's in your life out of control? Because whatever you feel is out of control in your life, um, get back in control. Because you have the power to change everything in your, in your life.
Like you're like, what? Yes, you have the power to change everything that's happening in your life. You just need the tools and the resources to do them. Um, we are in an age where it's like theology and God. We're in an age of Google. We're in an age of, of knowledge. Instant knowledge. Um, but I think a lot of us Want to do these things, but what really stuck out to me in this chapter, and it wasn't even like Huge in this chapter.
It was just like a small sentence, and They said that her son was out of control because he couldn’t understand delayed gratification and my life has been Sometimes out of control because I can't wait for that delayed gratification. There are boundaries I've allowed to happen because I want instant gratification.
And so, I have justified a lot of things in my life. Um, as if I can't have it now. What can I do, such as allowing somebody that I probably wouldn't allow to come in my life and dictate things, such as a parental unit, um, anything. Like, when I'm in need and I know somebody has it, I will allow you to do whatever you want in my life.
Because I'm like, you have it and I need it. Um, and that's manipulation. I think the entire world works out with manipulations. Like, I'm sorry. It is what it is. Bud. It's going to cost you something and what is that cost? I, I believe you have to figure out the pros and cons to life. What do you value the most?
What are your beliefs? Where are your values? For me, I've learned like what is my love language? My love language is I value words of affirmation is probably like my top three, but my, my ultimate one is acts of service. Like, if you love me, show me. And because I valued that when people are just talking to me, I have stricter boundaries with these people because I'm like, that's fluff.
I don't really care for fluff. You have to show me. And when someone in my life does acts of service and they don't even ask for anything back, they just do it. It caused me to like to be a hedgehog and just pop up from the ground and be like, Ooh, what are you doing? How are you doing that? Well, thank you.
Amazing. And so that speaks to me, um, on a different level that our boundary is more open. And I'm in a season of like, is that a good thing? Is that a bad thing for us? Like, how do we know what a boundary is? How do I keep boundaries consistently? Um, consistency has been an issue for me for a very long time.
I'm working on it, y'all. I'm working on it. But overall, like... What does a boundaries life look like and how can I get control of that? And what's the best advice I can give to myself? Cause in this season we're talking about self-love, we're talking about resources, but at the end of the day you also have to have that growth mindset and be honest with yourself.
Cause the only person that's having this conversation is you, yourself, and whatever your religious belief is. Or if you count on yourself, you're still having this conversation with self. So, I encourage everyone to take a moment and look at what in your life is out of control.