Let us put a name to the boundaries, pain and the uncertainty. In this video script for Chai Beauty, the host shares personal reflections on boundaries, discussing feelings of overwhelm and confusion while reading a book and its accompanying workbook. The content focuses on learning to communicate effectively, understanding physical and spiritual boundaries, and the importance of defining one’s soul to maintain personal and relational health. The host candidly addresses challenges, such as the discrepancy between book editions, and poses questions to viewers about their experiences and thoughts on the subject. This season, we are talking about boundaries with two good books. They are Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life Paperback – October 3, 2017 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) and Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – February 27, 2018 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author).
Navigating Boundaries: A Journey Through Personal and Spiritual Growth
In this episode of 'Chai Beauty,' our host delves into her personal reflections and challenges while reading a book on boundaries. She shares emotional reactions to the content, the difficulties in aligning her workbook with the latest edition of the book, and the complexity of identifying and communicating personal boundaries. The discussion touches on two main types of boundaries—physical and spiritual—and their significance in maintaining mental and emotional well-being. The host also explores how boundaries are portrayed in the Bible, and the importance of self-awareness and responsibility in defining one's soul and maintaining healthy relationships.
00:00 Welcome to Chai Beauty
00:38 Navigating Emotional Overwhelm
03:53 Understanding Boundaries
06:38 Spiritual Boundaries and Personal Growth
09:15 Defining Your Soul and Self-Reflection
11:39 Overcoming Fear of Dependence
Hi! I'm so happy you're here. Welcome to Chai Beauty, where I get to share my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations, my visions for the future, and guess what? You get to be along for this journey because we are in this together.
So, when I got to chapter two, I would say I felt overwhelmed. I got sad. I was very teary eyed because when you take chapter one and you see this person, um, in the book and they're telling you how they're out of control and they have lack of boundaries, you're like, okay, cool, cool. And like I said last in my podcast, like really looking at yourself and see where you're out of control.
Well, chapter two was so overwhelming because you, for me. I didn't have a name for every boundary, like I... I had a concept and I said, if somebody makes me feel like this, then I need to do X, Y, and Z. And I got that from therapy and just learning how to communicate. Cause I think one of the hardest things for me is learning how to communicate.
Cause sometimes I can, I know how it feels, but it's very hard to then... Try to soften your approach to someone to let them know what has happened internally to you. And so going through this chapter, it was just a lot of feelings. And then it was a lot in the handbook and so I was like, how am I goanna redo this?
Um, because this is hard. Very hard. Um, and then I got confused because my handbook and me.
Like the actual book don't match. So, like we’re in the handbook, I'm still on chapter one, but I've had to read chapter two in the work. No, sorry. In the book, I'm on chapter two and then in the work, but I'm still on one. And I was like, geez, Louise, what is happening?
We're on chapter two, but if you're following along in the workbook, depending on what edition you get, uh, you're potentially still on number one. So that took me a little couple of seconds to figure out. Because the workbook goes with the 2017 edition, and I got the most recent Boundary book because they revamped it again.
And I didn't realize that but also the workbook said it was revamped so I thought they matched. Oopsie.Um, so I guess my question to you in this first segment is how did you feel about the book? What are you thinking? What are you contemplating? What gave you strong emotions? What was like, uh, I already knew this, you know?
Cause you're smart and intelligent. So, some of this stuff you're like, mm, mm, mm, next. Alright, tell me something new.
And so, when we get into the handbook, it talks about invisible property lines and responsibility. So, what boundaries in the physical world do we deal with? And so, a lot of good examples were like your fence, your gate, um, traffic lights.Um, I think the ones I deal with a lot is when you're working in settings and the boundary of how you talk to somebody if you are in a house where people are very blunt and they say what they say and you just have to have, some people be like, you just have to have tougher skin.
You just wash it off, but then if you have a house that isn't very communicative and like, they avoid problems, then someone wouldn't know how to face an issue. And so, when I thought about that question, I was like, oh, what boundaries in the physical world do you deal with every day? I was just like, people.
Stoplights, fences, my apartment, um, this is my house, uh, it would be really weird if my neighbor just walked over and banged on my door and came in and had a cup of tea. Can you please ask first? The second one is, what kind of boundary do you think needs to exist in the spiritual world? So, this one was very interested in the sense of, I did not think of a boundary as A fence, where it has a gate, where it comes in and out.
I honestly, it talks about in the book like a wall, like you shouldn't have a wall, but I really did think like you had a wall, like actually I'm not goanna lie. I thought about Omar, um, or is his name Omarion, who knows, Omarion, where he's like, I got an icebox where my heart used to be, I got, I thought about that, I was like.
My heart is in the icebox, but it's in a box, like there's a lock and key and I'm just not about to give everybody the passcode. Like you just can't click, click, click, click and get in there. So that's how I took the boundaries I, I know in my head and so to then for it to get deeper in this chapter, I was, oh.
That makes sense, I can pivot that for my heart to be open and still guard it. It's more like a fence with a gate. I said, but I like top security. So, my fence goanna has a keypad on it, you know, you just can't let everybody, anybody come in like, we’ll work on it. Like we'll see if in the chapters are changed, but that's where we are.
What spiritual boundaries are important as why are spiritual boundaries as important as physical boundaries? I think at the end of the day, we as human beings. All do not want to be hurt.Like, we are like, I want to love someone, and I want to be loved, and I just don't want you to hurt me. I think further for me, I feel like, not only do I not want to be hurt, but I’ve also learned what it's like to have peace, and I learned what it's like to give to somebody when my cup is full.
Like when I have abundance.And I never want to, I don't give people permission, I don't give myself permission to, to in the past say, I do not hold the capacity to talk to you. I do not hold the capacity to say something to you. Um, and because of that, that has allowed me not to give the better version of myself.
And so that's why I believe spiritual boundaries are important as physical ones because your soul is so beautiful. It's so complex. It's a little unique snowflake. You're made in God's image. So, what you do for others only you can do, but if you're coming at it in like this broken, empty state, like you're not giving your best version, you're not giving the best advice that could really change somebody's life.
And then you don't want to attract broken other broken souls and then it's just a mess and you get into toxic relationships And then you start airing your stuff on Facebook and it just be a whole lot, you know So that's why I think spiritual boundaries are just as important as physical onesand so the goal of the lesson is to help you define your tangible boundaries and to recognize them as anever present reality that you can increase Your love and save your life.
These boundaries are defined, define your soul and help you guard and maintain, and they use Proverbs 4, uh, 23. And I did not, I think that was the most eye-opening part of this was like, boundaries represent your soul. Like whom are you as a person? And I said, hmm, who am I as a person? Um, and then the second part of this was me.
And I'll just have to read it verbatim. Boundaries divide us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows where you end, and somebody else's begins. Leads to a sense of ownership. We deal with what is in our soul. And boundaries help us define what that is. The Bible tells us clearly what our parameters are and how to protect them, but often our family or the past relationships has confused us about our parameters.
And so, the question goes, is explained how knowing what you are to own and take responsibility for giving you freedom.
And I was like, oh, that question, I just really didn't understand. And I was like, oh, I don't know, I think I know who I am. But the second question was, what does pain result when you are not shown the parameters of your soul and not taught wrong parameters and you're taught wrong parameters. And so, when I thought about these two questions, I said, if I explain what my soul is.
My soul is Philippians 4, 8. Love is just, um, love is kind, right? And then as I've grown, I turned to 1 Corinthians, which is love is patient, love is kind, love is not both, uh, of wrongdoings. And then when I don't have parameters and I don't know how to love somebody, it’s difficult because I'm not goanna lie.
I remember somebody telling me or something I read that says like 85 percent of your brain is negative thoughts, right? So, when I’m left to assume something It's always negative. It's not that like even though I’m a very optimistic person. I think I’m more optimistic I do have those negative things when I’m left by myself to think about what someone else is saying doing reacting It’s just very difficult.
So, in this season of learning like Oh, if I'm, these boundaries are now, don’t think of them as something separate from you. Think of it as who you are. Who am I? And so, when I think about who I am, I think I'm an outgoing person, yet, um, I come and I get my energy from having little quiet times where I look at the wall, the wall looks at me.
And nobody is depending on me. It's one of the reasons why I'm apprehensive about children because I'm like, I really do need, like, them three minutes of nap time to like, focus on me, like, and to have somebody constantly demand me. Um, like, my smallest step was getting a dog.And even him, I'd just be looking at him.
I'd be like, ooh. I gotten take you outside. I got to go buy you dog food. And so that was my small stuff of being like, okay, I may be apprehensive or the word afraid of somebody depending on me, but let's take this small step. Let me trust in God that God gave me this dog and um, he will provide for me, and this dog and we will live abundantly.
In that sense, and eventually that fear of dependence is like, it won't move, because guess what?I've done it, like I've taken care of a dog. Um, for as long as he lives, Mr. Banks. Um, the second thing was when it said defining your soul in the gate, I said, Ooh, um,how have I let Someone else define my soul, like how have I heard somethingand said, and just taking that on, like somebody said something and I was like, yep, that's me, I'm good, that's what I do, whether it's good or bad, but never just sat there and judge the words that were given to me on a scale of saying, is that truly who I am?
And if that's not, how do I change who I am so that I'm perceived this way? But also remembering that people have their own issues, and you can change as much as you want and you're never good enough. And that's okay, you just have to take into account, like, this is how I want to be shown or seen in this light and hopefully, most people see me as this.