It is not Complaints. You are trying to assimilation, have freedom and be compliance. In this episode of Chai Beauty, the host discusses the importance of understanding and establishing personal boundaries as outlined in the book's chapters on 'Understanding Boundaries.' The host shares personal anecdotes about the consequences of saying yes out of guilt and fear, emphasizing the negative impacts on mental health and stress. The script also touches on the reasons behind the difficulty of saying no, such as fear of hurting others, fear of punishment, and childhood experiences. The host encourages listeners to self-reflect on their motivations for saying yes and to establish healthy boundaries for more compassionate decision-making. This season, we are talking about boundaries with two good books. They are Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life Paperback – October 3, 2017 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) and Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – February 27, 2018 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author).
Understanding Boundaries and the Power of Saying No
In this episode of Chai Beauty, the host delves into the concept of boundaries, exploring the chapter 'Understanding Boundaries' from a handbook. They discuss the importance of learning to say no, sharing personal anecdotes about the challenges of compliance and the fear-driven motivations behind saying yes to undesirable tasks. The host reflects on their journey of personal growth, emphasizing the role of compassion and the importance of evaluating one's motivations and responsibilities. They also share insights on the influence of childhood experiences on adult behavior and stress the need for self-awareness and boundary-setting to protect oneself. The episode concludes with encouragement to visit their website for more community engagement.
00:00 Welcome to Chai Beauty
00:35 Understanding Boundaries: Compliance vs. Complaints
01:19 Personal Story: Saying Yes to the Bad
05:22 Evaluating Your Life: Compassion vs. Guilt
06:41 Overcoming Fear and Setting Boundaries
12:09 Final Thoughts and Reflections
13:59 Thank You and What's Next
Hi, I'm so happy you're here. Welcome to Chai Beauty, where I get to share my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations, my visions for the future. And guess what? You get to be along for this journey because we are in this together.
So in the book, it's chapter two as the handbook, and then depending on what version you have, it's chapter three, and it's called Understanding Boundaries. And in that section, we talk about It says compliance to say, uh, not compliance, complaints to say yes to the bat. And I use compliance instead. And the reason I say that is because it's like in HR, you're trying to assimilate to something.
And assimilation is fear. It's the fear of not hurting people's feelings. It's the fear of like the repercussions. So you're just trying to be compliant. Um, so in the next sentence, After our usual transition, you'll hear me say a lot about compliance. But, like, my example for this is, when I was in college, and saying yes to the bad, um, I was a part of a sorority, um, and due to like some circumstances, they needed a new leader.
Um, for, um, To bring in, um, new people. And I personally did not want to do this. I just was like, in a space of like, I had a lot going on. And I've struck, I've always struggled in school. Uh, and particularly, I had failed accounting. And I was retaking accounting, uh, to like, take the incomplete off. Um, and the F.
And trying to, by the way, I still, dropped out the, like, the next week, uh, just cause I just, that course was too hard for me, um, in that section. And so with that being said, um, I knew I shouldn't have said yes to this, but because there was no one else stepping up to the plate, I felt guilty and I chose to move forward and I got overwhelmed.
I got stressed. I was calling my mom. I was calling people to help me because like it was not for me to do, but I still chose to do it. And that being said, uh, I was, I had resentment, like it overall fast forward. Like it was a great thing. God changed my heart. He was able to help me get the resources to do it.
Um, because like, I had to take a step back to be like, why am I doing this? What is it for? What was my why behind this? Not just because I want, uh, not just because of guilt. And when God put that compassion into me, I was able to understand that boundary of saying yes to the bad. And realizing moving forward, don't just sign up just because no one else will do it.
Sometimes we all just gonna be sitting there and staring at each other. And so I asked you, like, how have you said yes to something and moving forward worked on the next stepsin your life to not do that gut reaction?
So, we are starting with episode 2. And episode 2 is We are actually starting with chapter 2 in the workbook, which is Understanding Boundaries. However, it breaks down boundaries. So, compliance, saying yes to the bad. Uh, one, there are a lot of things that this chapter, um, talks about. But one of them is if you are a, compliance.
There are several reasons why the word no means to get stuck in your throat whenever you need to protect yourself. So I thought this was really important because we talk about fear of hurting the other person's feelings, fear of abandonment and separation, a wish to be totally dependent on another person, fear someone else's anger, fear of punishment, fear of being shamed, fear of being seen.
Seen as a bad or selfish person, fear of being, um, unspiritual and fear of your own restriction. And critical conscious. And, and for me, I've had all those fears and I still deal with them today, and I'm still trying to overcome them. Even as I, in this current season, I, I feel like I'm always transitioning, um, in life and doing something different.
But this season has really, like, I've been paralyzed by fear at some point. Even now, but like, even as I'm scared, I'm still saying yes. And I'm still working through it and understanding my boundaries. Um, and so it talked about, one of the questions was, have, evaluating your life today, have you assumed most of your responsibility out of compassion and not sacrifice or have guilt in your internal parent voice being behind many of your current responsibility And be honest and what might you do next time?
So as of right now, I'm grateful enough to say that like a lot of the things I have done this season has been out of compassion just because God has orchestrated me in a season of isolation where like I have no choice. But to really think about the choices that I'm making for myself, to really think about the season I'm in.
And the crazy thing is I'm currently 27. I started this podcast when I was 22. And I've gone through a cycle. A full cycle, I would say, that people talk about. Which is like the good side, the goodness of God, getting God's blessing on stuff. And then also I've gone through the trials and tribulations and trying to figure out what that looks like.
For me how I'm overcoming that currently in the storm and I'm praying that I will reap benefits laterbut in the Fear of hurting other people's feelings. I think about my childhood and how when I was youngera Parental would use guilt to manipulate me into like doing what I need like they weren't always saying Because I said so it was more like well, you're hurting my feelings when you do this And I just feel like you're ungrateful and I feel like you're not listening but they never gave me the words to say no or like I feel that way and that book talks about like The certain words that you need as an adultto To compensate and to say and to protect yourself from evil because if you're as a child, if you're taking those words of saying no or saying it, whatever way that you articulate, it becomes you become like basically you lose a limb and you can't figure out the evil in the world like you can't decipher what It is and things like narcissistic tendencies, grew up in a house with narcissistic tendency, it becomes familiar with you.
And as I've gotten, um, as I've grown in this season, I'm able to be like, Oh, something's familiar to me. I shouldn't just go to it. I should just take a second and pause and be like, why is this familiar to me? Especially if I want different results.And so that was when I have fear of punishment. Like I don't want to go to jail.
Um, I don't like getting in trouble. I've always had that fear. And And in this season, you have to take chances because like your chances of being successful is so high because all you're needing to do is just do it. When you do it, you are successful. And that's taught me a lot. And it also has given me fear because I'm like, Oh no, like what if I don't do it correctly?
What if it's different than what it's supposed to do? And God is like, that's, I just need you to do it. Um, I haven't had the fear of me. I'm spiritual. I had the fear of like, again, others. Um, I definitely had the fear of abandonment. I think even with my friendship, sometimes I'm like, Oh, if I tell this person this, they're going to abandon me.
But also I've realized I prayed for those friends and I prayed for that season of like, of needing them. Um, and they come and go as they please. But the one thing that is constant is God. And remembering that in my season of, in this isolation season, the things that God tells me I need to lean on is time.
Because as time continues to go, it doesn't stop for no man. Um, and the seasons, the seasons will change. Like, you're never going to be in this, in this particular place for long. And then him, like he's always with you, even when you feel alone, then he'll just brush your shoulder or he'll just be like, you're so beautiful today.
And that is how I got into decipher between like that being that, um, saying yes to the bad and that, uh, complacence and that complacency. Um, I have condemned myself for things that I shouldn't have done, like, I knew I shouldn't have done something, but I just didn't want to let someone down. And, so I would say yes, but inside, like, it took a lot of time, it took a lot of money.
And then, at one point, I'd be like, you're not even grateful for what I did. Like, I've done a lot, and they're like, I appreciate it. Thanks. Um, kudos. And I, and I thought about it, like I was looking for a reward. I was like, you don't know how much I sacrificed just to say yes. And now you're not even giving me the reward that I expected, but I never even communicated to you.
Um, and so that's been, that's been like remembering that feeling of when I said yes, how much energy and how much time it took. Because it did. It did take something. It took something away. Everything you do has a cost. You may not see it now, but you're going to see it later, or you might get instant costs.
And I would prefer to have good costs being like, yes, it may have been painful, but like, I am compassionate on the inside and out. And I'm not resentful because like I said yes to this when another opportunity came and I couldn't do it because I said yes to this project. And so just deciphering like what that looks like for me and letting and also relearning what is good and relearning what is bad.
And I've been in counseling to like to relearn those skills. I even went to a psych person to be like, I know something's wrong with me. I just, I need help. Like, does that make sense? Like, I feel that I’m doing something not correct. However, um, it can be fixed. And also, I need words to articulate what I'm saying so I don't hurt that person.
Even me being mindful of people's feelings, I want to say it correctly to them and I want to care for them, and I want to love on them like God has taught me to love on them. But at the same time, I need to say my piece because and tell you the why of why I can't do this at this time. And if we are in a good space, and if God has called me to be in, in space with you, then I'm able to.
And I love at the end of the book of that chapter, it says, um, take a look at the different categories of boundaries. And how do you develop boundaries? Why do some people seem to have natural boundaries, and others have no boundaries at all. And when I think about saying yes to the bad, I think the yes to the bad is what you've been grown up to.
But like once you turn 20 or when you're self-aware, you learn like, yes, these natural boundaries may weren't good for me in this season, but now it's time for me to take the responsibility and do what I'm supposed to do and doing what I'm supposed to do is like I'm learning the bad. I'm learning how familiar.
Familiarity and unlearning that guilt because it's not guilt. It's like something in you said, this isn't safe for you. Something in you said that, um, that you're not being selfish. It's just, you don't have the time for it. And they have to understand that I am doing the best that I can do and hoping that they are able to hear you, see you value and know you.
And saying, okay, thank you for letting me know if something else comes up, I'll ask again and hopefully you're just in a better season, but really thinking about like, what do you say yes to that you know is bad or what is familiar to you and have you even reassessed why that's familiar to you?
Hello my friend. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this pod. Also, the past pods and all the ones you anticipate in the future. I've loved your comments and your reviews on Spotify, and as we continue to grow, I continue to think of other ideas. So currently I'm investing in my website, so.
Visit www. chaibeauty. org. There's no space and you can see how I'm extending our community together because we are a family. So, thank you.