It Is time for you to admit your trauma, your past, but do not let it to be your future. In this episode of Chai Beauty, the host discusses themes of personal growth and self-improvement, reflecting on how childhood experiences shape adult behavior. They share their own journey through struggles with people-pleasing and overcoming small traumas. The discussion includes practical advice on setting boundaries, the importance of continual self-improvement, and finding purpose beyond past limitations. The host also encourages the audience to reflect on their own development and outlines future plans for expanding the Chai Beauty community. This season, we are talking about boundaries with two good books. They are Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life Paperback – October 3, 2017 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) and Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – February 27, 2018 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author).
Journey of Self-Discovery and Growth
In this episode of Chai Beauty, the host reflects on personal growth, childhood development, and breaking free from past traumas. They discuss the importance of understanding how one's upbringing impacts adulthood, sharing their own experiences with people-pleasing and redefining boundaries. The host encourages listeners to consider their own development, highlighting that change is always possible. They share practical steps for personal improvement, addressing the challenges and triumphs of evolving past childhood hardships. The episode emphasizes creating a fulfilling life through self-awareness, perseverance, and the courage to evolve continuously.
00:00 Welcome to Chai Beauty
00:31 Reflecting on Childhood Development
01:49 Overcoming Childhood Traumas
03:16 Personal Growth and Development
05:07 Practical Steps for Change
10:23 Navigating Adulthood
13:54 Embracing Your Journey
14:26 Thank You and What's Next
Hi, I'm so happy you're here. Welcome to Chai Beauty, where I get to share my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations, my visions for the future. And guess what? You get to be along for this journey because we are in this together.
So in the previous episode, I did say you really should read this chapter. And why I say that is because this chapter really talks about, like, The fundamentalities of, like, how we develop as children. What does that eight month, 18 month period look like? What does that two to three period look like? Uh, what does over adulting mean?
Strength parenting? And I had to think about my childhood and say, I had a little bit of all of these. Like, I had hostile boundaries. Like, when I was truly developing, it was, I did feel like my way,uh, or else was my parents toe, because my dad, um, is military and then my mom was a teacher. So, um, she very much had little patience for her, uh, for her child.
And so that, um, can lead in the book, it says it can lead to people pleasing. And I said, for a little, I think I struggled with people pleaser. I don't think I'm as a people pleaser. Um, but as you know, as an adult, um, if you were a people pleaser as a child, your parents kind of, Uh, if they don't know you in your adulthood, they kind of reiterate like you're such a people pleaser and it's like no You just don't know this version of me.
Um, as I said, i've reintroduced myself about three timesbut what I really wanted to talk about was saying that just because Um, you were those things and you had thoseCracks we'll call them or that brokenness. That's not mean that you're gonna be like that forever I think the beauty of having age and not dying young is the fact that you can become something new and it doesn't have to take five or ten years.
It just takes you taking the initiative. Uh, for me, I took the initiative at 22 once I graduated from college in 2019 to say I want to become something. I want to no longer let these small traumas become, um, continue to hurt me. No longer allow myself to be stifled as a human being because I know there's greatness for me.
I just don't know how to obtain it yet and I don't know the skills to obtain it. So I need to leave my environment. It's why also I'm veryappreciative and I acknowledge those people that can develop in their environment. Um, because it's not easy. It's not easy to Be someone and try to change because people only know you as a one dimensional person when really you're a complex creature.
So, I have to ask you guys, how have y'all developed as a person? Like, how are you developing as a person? Who do you want to become? Because your childhood does not define you.
How do I want to develop as a person? I think I just want to be better than I was a minute ago.I want to be able to create organization systems. I really struggle with like organization systems. Like admin is not. My thing, it's why like when I chose my podcasting, I was like, listen, I can't sit here and edit the video and make it perfect, but I want to show people my content itself.
So what if I just do an introduction and outro, a little transition, cause I really liked it. Um, sometimes to transition if like the, the pod is long, um, and also make it 15 minutes cause I was like, I have things to do. And like you, sometimes you just want a quick nugget or like if you're listening to something and you're like, I don't want it to take the entire drive home.
And I like to binge watch anything. I, and so what does that look like, and what did that look like when I created this book? Those were the questions that I was thinking about. Cause when I was thinking about vintage, I was thinking about me. I also was like, I really love to read. I really love career development books.
I love spiritual books. I love fantasy books. Um, I love sci fi. I love all these things, like dark matter, um, from sci fi. I love that sci fi genre, period. Uh, but that's Who I was. And then the developing part was like, if I'm reading these books, how can I implement them practically in my life? Like, so like one of the things that when I first started reading boundaries was like theability to say that a boundary is just like your skin, your skin protects you from the bad and it keeps the blood, the good stuff, like your blood, your organs inside you.
So you can keep breathing. I'm not going to keep peeking at it. I'm going to live it life. Right? And so that was practical to me. Then it talked about in the prior episodes like, what is avoidance? What is conflict? Uh, not conflict. Um, compliance. What is manipulation? What is aggression? What is functional?
What is relational? And being like, not looking at like, what those like, even in the book it asks you um, how do you experience it? But I took it a step further When I read the questions and focus on, like, how did I do it to others, and trying to figure out in that, in these episodes, why did I do those to others, or what was going on, and how do I change that behavior, because just, again, just because, um, I was developed like this, and I know the why behind what I'm doing, it doesn't, the why does not give me reason to continue to act the way that I'm doing.
It actually gives me a way to say, like, hey, if you want to know, I can tell you, but I no longer want to know. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to, just because I had hostile parents or over controlled parents or whatever you're dealing with, I don't want to replicate that. And some, some things are hard.
There are generational differences. But you can take a minute to recognize that and say, I, my bad. And confess to those friends and that support system you have and say, hey, I'm moving, moving forward. We're going to work on this. And, and make practical steps for that. So me and a friend one time was like, uh, made a vision board and we're like, we want this, this, this, and this, right?
Um, and to get those things, how does it look to get those things? So that doesn't mean you do the entire project in a night. So decorating your house and project, that means you buy things little by little. Like I want my apartment to look a certain way, but let's be honest, there's certain pots and pans that I like, but not in my budget right now.
And for me, there was. Things that I wanted to purchase in my house like I wanted a coffee table. I wanted um chairs I wanted all these things. I didn't get stools yet, but for me I needed a bed and anybody that have purchased a bed and it's super expensive and I like to travel So I was like I need a bed.
That's not a thick Frame that I can build so I got one of those portable Beds to break down And you keep moving. And guess what? They also have updated the bed. Now it has a headboard and I really want it. Um, but also I could care less. Because it's not a need for me because I'm a person that really could care less about a headboard.
But I do understand like the value of a headboard and how it makes like things more essentially. Um, also I don't have nightstands because I was like nightstands are expensive and I wanted a wardrobe instead of like an actual dresser. Like it was just all these things. But to say the least, like I took my time And building my house and like people now are like, Oh, it's like a rusted and they can tell like I got it from a certain company because I bought everything the same, right?
So it, and then that analogy is like, it takes steps. It takes time. It takes understanding like this and this season, I'm just going to focus on this. And then next season, I'm just going to focus on this. And sometimes when I think I'm healed from something, something's triggered me and I stop myself from saying what I'm saying, but I'm still hurt about it.
So I need to go back to. First season when I was dealing with sadness and trauma and come back to it or life can hit you with another traumatizing event and you thought you were done with your, like your childhood trauma. But now you've got to face your childhood trauma. Like, Hey, I worked on this, but it has now come back because this has just happened to me.
And so now we have two traumatizing events and we just need to like talk about it, work on it and decompress.
Is it hard? Absolutely. Is it, is it one of those things where you're like this really sucks? I don't want to be here. I wish that somebody else could do this work for me. Absolutely. Do you cry a lot? Absolutely. Are you angry? Absolutely. And you're angry because like they're gonna ask you some questions that you feel likeare private and you don't want them to hear about this or it just makes you feel like when you say that a lot, it just makes you feel so.
Or it makes you feel like, Oh, I'm really like, I've said some things in therapy that I was like, man, I'm really a low down person.That should not have come out of my mouth, but low key that's how I feel. And I need to pray about that now, that I've said it out loud. It's in my heart and I want to change it.
Or my therapist would be like, I hear what you're saying, but maybe we should say it like this so that somebody won't interpret it differently. Won't interpret it bad, right? And, I'm grateful because I can talk about when I was 22, how, who, mm, let's go even way back. Um, most of my, my, I identify as my beginning of like life and like figuring out separate, like when it talks about separation, is at 13.
13 was like a a defining moment in my life. There were multiple things that were happening. Um, and it took time. So one of them is like when I was 13, I just wanted to get off my parents. I just wanted freedom. When I was 22, I got the freedom, but I was angry. And why was I angry? I was just angry because like there were so many small t's with like my parents and like me figuring out what Like, what I wanted to do in life and it's not aligning with what they want me to do.
Or they're like, I don't understand why you chose this major, why you're staying at school longer. Like, these things, like, things just didn't make Cause, I was so creative, and I saw stuff differently than my parents. Like, I'm an idealist, and my parents are more like, strategic planning. Um, they're teachers in the military, so like, they need paper, concrete evidence.
And I wasn't like that at all. And so I had to develop differently in life. I had to do things differently in life. And that meant sometimes just not seeing eye to eye with them and argue and like argue with them because that's all I knew. But in the end, it wasn't all I knew. I, I, I, it's all I knew. But when I got older, I learned that I could say it respectfully.
I didn't have to make an argument. I can say, like, I agree to disagree. And also as an adult, I can say, you know what? I hear you and I'm like, thank you for your suggestion and move on and do what I need to do, right? Um, because I built my own relationship with Jesus. I, I, I hear him in a different way and I can interpret it differently because I have my own life experience to play off of.
Also the bills are real. And so that was like 22, 27 is more like, I'm in a season of rest. I'm in a season of like, People are asking me like, Hey, you need to do this, this, this, and this. Like, I want you to maximize your season. And it's like,that's not what God gives me. Like I'm literally in pause. Like we, like God's like, you can do your podcasting.
If you want, you can work on your entrepreneurship that you always wanted to work on. And like you went to school for, and you low key even went for your master's in it. Um, but you also saw like people make money in project management and you were trying to figure out just different ways to do it. Right.
And so that was 27. 27 also made me like take account and say whatever happened at 27, I currently make all the decisions to get here. And if, and am I happy with the decisions I made at 27 to, to where I am now. If I'm not, what can I do today to change the trajectory for 30? 'cause like people are like, no, it's 30 and like, you should be wiser.
No, I got the advice from somebody that. A 20th in your 20s, don't even worry about it. It's 35 when you do a 360 and be like, Hey,where am I? What am I doing? Um, am I happy with my life? Cause you basically have spent 10 years out of your parents household. You spent 10 years of making those decisions. You spent 10 over 10 years, just being you.
And so, So, wherever you are at 35, it's like, this is all you have worked towards in your 20s and now you're seeing the fruits of your labor at 35, right? Or, you're seeing, like, some trajectory. But, all, to all that to say, like, wherever you are in your life, you can change. Yes, understand how boundaries are developed, understand how you were made, understand the why behind it, understand what you were doing, but at the end of the day, you can change.
So stop making those changes. Stop being great. Start living in your truth. Start saying you are enough. However, you are still progressing.And that we all love you for who you are.
Hello, my friend. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this pod. Also, the past pods and all the ones you anticipate in the future. I've loved your comments and your reviews on Spotify. And as we continue to grow, I continue to think of other ideas. So currently, I'm investing in my website. site. So visit www. chaibeauty. org. There's no space. And you can see how I'm extending our community together because we are a family. So thank you.