Release yourself from the chains you put on yourself. The script introduces Chai Beauty and its focus on personal growth and boundary setting. It discusses eight common myths about boundaries from chapter six of a handbook and book, including beliefs that setting boundaries is selfish or disobedient. The speaker reflects on personal experiences with boundary setting, the transition from viewing boundaries as selfish to necessary for self-care, and the importance of understanding one's needs. They encourage the audience to reflect on these myths and work on setting boundaries while overcoming feelings of guilt, fear, and anger. The video ends with a message of gratitude and information about the Chai Beauty website. This season, we are talking about boundaries with two good books. They are Boundaries Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life Paperback – October 3, 2017 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author) and Boundaries Workbook: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life Paperback – February 27, 2018 by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author).
Debunking Common Boundary Myths
In this episode of Chai Beauty, we explore Chapter Six from a handbook on boundaries, focusing on 'Common Boundary Myths.' The speaker discusses eight prevalent myths: 1) If I set a boundary, I'm being selfish, 2) Boundaries are a sign of disobedience, 3) If I begin to set boundaries, I will be hurting others, 4) If I set boundaries, I will hurt others, 5) Boundaries mean I am angry, 6) When others set boundaries, it injures me, 7) Boundaries cause feelings of guilt, 8) Boundaries are permanent and I'm afraid of burning bridges. The episode includes reflections on personal experiences with setting boundaries, navigating guilt, anger, and the importance of self-care. Listeners are encouraged to evaluate their own beliefs and excuses regarding boundaries.
00:00 Welcome to Chai Beauty
00:38 Common Boundary Myths Introduction
00:50 Myth 1: Boundaries and Selfishness
06:03 Myth 2: Boundaries as Disobedience
06:58 Personal Reflections on Boundaries
09:24 Myth 3: Boundaries Hurt Others
09:50 Myth 4: Boundaries and Anger
10:41 Myth 5: Boundaries and Guilt
11:11 Myth 6: Boundaries are Permanent
11:51 Final Thoughts on Boundaries
12:38 Thank You and Community Updates
Hi! I'm so happy you're here. Welcome to Chai Beauty, where I get to share my thoughts, my dreams, my aspirations, my visions for the future, and guess what? You get to be along for this journey because we are in this together. And
so we have come to the next chapter, but in the handbook it's called Common Boundary Myths, as well as in the book. And it's chapter six. And so when we think about the common myths, myth number one is if I set a boundary, I'm being selfish.
And then in that chapter it talks about our needs, our responsibility, and stewardship. The second myth is boundaries are a sign of disobedience.
Myth three, if I begin to set boundaries, I will be hurting others. Myth four, if I set boundaries, I will hurt others.
Myth five, boundaries means I am angry.
Myth six, when others set boundary, it injures me. Myth seven,Boundaries cause feelings of guilt.Myth 8. Boundaries are permanentand I'm afraid of burning bridges.And so when you are hearing those eight myths, you have to think about what does that mean for you. Are you enslaved to those? Um, do you think those are true?
Do you feel like nobody will understand you, um, when you set boundaries? And for me, reading this chapter, I really did do some reflection and especially, um, because I have the, um, handbook as well, um, It made me really think about like how I have set boundaries and the reason why there are some reasons I don't want to set boundaries with certain people, but I do believe overall as I grow as a human being, I am able to overcome those myths because I can set boundaries in a safe space and it talks about that.
I can set boundaries in a safe space and it'd be okay. So when I do get somebody that negatively, um, does not respect my boundary, I know that person just isn't for me. So I have to ask you, what are your excuses? What do you believe?
And when we talk about the first myth, which is myth one, and it talks about, oops, I lost my page y'all. It's not written up. It's never written up. It's about if I set a boundary, I'm being selfish. And can I honestly say like. I would say probably in my teens, when you're learning about like what crisis and you're starting to build your own opinion.
I really did think like I was being selfish because I had to go against the environment that I was in. I had to go against the people that taught me good for wrong. I had to go against friends and I really did think at one point if I set a boundary, like I was being selfish because I wanted. I wanted a need to be met, which means I didn't want people to always come to me when I, I have the words now, when I did not have capacity.
And I didn't, or like, my cup wasn't full. And it was like, I just need a second. But in this book, it goes on and talks about like, your need, what are your needs? What are your wants? And protecting your needs in a sense that, When you are truly showing up for yourself, you can tell somebody no. And if they ask you for a why, you don't have to say why, because a no is a full sentence.
But if you like care and want to say no, you can. Um, I mean you can tell them why. Um, and then it talks about stewardship, like your ownership of things. Like you are owning your body, you are owning your environment, you are owning your place. And I think in my 20s it got easier with selfishness. Not, um, understanding that boundaries are not selfishness, because I started owning things.
Like, you started having your apartment, and you didn't want everything and everybody in your apartment. Um, you didn't want your apartment to be a fun house all the time. You, you needed certain things, right? And so, that's what I loved about, like, when it breaks it down for you. Um, the different ways. Ooh, sorry, my page key.
Moving so you can remember. If I set a boundary, I'm being selfish is not true. The second boundary is boundaries are a sign of disobedience. And I can see where people get that from because if you were great raised, um, similar to my childhood Christianity, when you tell some, like you tell your parents no, and you try to give them a good reason, if they're not mature or they can't separate you from the no.
Then it's not as easy until you feel like you're disobedient. That's where people pleasing comes into play. But really you just have to take that time. And for me, it was, um, I got healed by putting distance 2000, I think 2037 miles. I don't know. It was from Seattle, Washington, Texas, Houston, Texas. And I was like, bye.
Um, that I realized again, me telling people like the things I asked my parents, Or said no to my parents about when I got around friends or I got around co workers. I said no Um, which I had to have a burnout to realize like I needed to change So I won't say like as soon as I left my parents I was like I was telling people no I had a burnout probably like three months into my place and then me and a co worker Got into it that caused me to like say oh snap something's happening I need to figure out like why that's happening to me And once I had that burnout and I started going totherapy just to like understand like why I feel differently.
Um, it really helped. This one I really didn't have an issue with. Um, Because I think my heart has always been in the right spot until recently. Um, I think in the last couple episodes, I can't remember what episode it was. But we talked, I talked about like how I hurt a friend with like, they felt like every time I called them, Um, I was only calling them for like, Things I wanted and it was it wasn't even that it was just like life had happened They were still in college and I literally had gone through a seizure, a panic attack Depression And because they weren't calling me and like when I thought of them I reached out I didn't realize like I was only reaching out like and it wasn't like meet me It was more like hey, do you have the phone number for this person or hey, have you looked at this?
Hey, I'm starting on this and if you could do this because I remember like they really liking art and stuff so like when I would think about art or I see something, I'd be like, hey. Um, but really, I honestly didn't need those things. Um, they could easily have told me no, but I realized I did hurt that person and then I did apologize.
Um, but also I realized like, For me, it's just being careful how many times you reach out and uh, and stopping and pausing when you reach out to play. Am I reaching out to say hello to this person or do, am I asking them for something? And, and the reality is like,you have everything you need and you don't have to.
And then myth four is if I set boundaries, I will hurt others. Which I didn't understand the difference between if I begin setting boundaries, I will, I will be hurt by others. And then if I set boundaries, I will hurt others because they kind of go hand in hand and it goes back to like just being like, you're not hurting anybody.
Like you're not killing anybody. It's just protecting yourself and your peace. And boundaries mean that I'm angry and I would agree like at 22 to 23 I was really angry because I just felt about all I, I went back and thought about all the times like I was hurt. And I tried to set a boundary and it didn't work, or I set a boundary now and it's working, and I'm like, why didn't it work the last time?
Um, myth six is just being with other set boundaries. It injured me. I have been told no. It does suck. You look at them, they look at you, and you're like, ah, okay. You kind of just move on, but you, you do be feeling a little salty salty. Um, but I just mind my own business. I want people to respect my boundaries when I tell them no, so I'm not going to make a big deal about it.
Um, you can find someone else to help you, or you may have the chance to like, provide or do something on your own. Um, Myth 7. Boundaries cause feelings of guilt. Yes, absolutely. Feelings of guilt. Like, I feel like I suck as a human being sometimes when I told somebody no because I remember the times I was told no.
And remembering the times you were told no is projecting. So you should not say to yourself, Oh, me doing what I'm doing. Is hurting this person like you're putting yourself in that situation. I think you should be considerate of it But you should ultimately know who you are as a person And being like I've I financially physically emotionally can't do this at this moment and not feel guilty about it But it's a work in progress And then the last one is just understanding like boundaries are not permanent And I'm afraid of burning bridges.
And it goes back to that guilt. I think they go hand in hand when you think about burning bridges. However, they're not permanent. Like, what you needed in one season, you won't need in the, in the next season. And that's the beauty of just knowing that as you grow, certain stuff does not affect you the same way.
And you're able to continue to be the best you. So, think, again, just think about these myths and how, you know, They affect you currently, presently, and how you're going to work on it in the future. Because I can tell you they're going to show up, you're going to have a reaction, but it won't be permanent.
The anger won't be there for long. The upsetness, the fear, the guilt won't be there for long. Because as you continue to work on yourself, as you continue to work on your no, and you continue to work on the no behind the why, you are going to just continue to be. A rock star.
Hello, my friend. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to this pod. Also, the past pods and all the ones you anticipate in the future. I've loved your comments and your reviews on Spotify. And as we continue to grow, I continue to think of other ideas. So currently I'm investing in my website site. So visit www. chaibeauty. org. There's no space. And you can see how I'm extending our community together because we are a family. So thank you.